Birthdays on VHS
Images of past celebrations
Apologies for the VHS tape mis-tracking.
With #41 in a few days, this is a clip from #6, though I am not sure I recognise this child. What is he singing? Is he drunk? Why is he leading others in song? Where is all of this energy/enthusiasm now?
The song is Hajde da se volimo (Let's Love Each Other) by Yugoslav pop-icon, Lepa Brena. Some say she was the pioneer of turbo-folk. It seems that today, 30 plus years later, she is still making music (and still looking the same). At that time, in 88, she was among the hottest of the Yugoslavs. Don’t know if I knew what having a celebrity crush was, but she must have been my 1st one. Not sure I listened to her music much since then, however.
No, I don’t think I was drunk. High on sugar? Perhaps. Feeding off the attention that comes with celebrating a birthday and you think the world revolves around you? Probably. It is also why now, I struggle to recognise this child. The energy, the abandon, the voice, the hand gestures! This much enjoyment of a birthday! Where did it all go? The 35 years in between might have contributed. It does make me wonder if this child’s spirit still exists somewhere in the 41 year old version.
Maybe I need to start listening to Lepa Brena again.
This was from #10 for a day before #41.
Some birthdays along the way, I started finding their concept unsettling. I just wanted the day to pass as quickly as possible. I couldn’t handle the rollercoaster they bring.
A whole day to celebrate yourself! Shouldn’t one earn celebrations by doing something extraordinary? Also parents, friends, lovers ask you: “What do you want to do on your birthday?” As someone who believes every choice is loaded with a thousand FOMOs across multi-verses, this was impossible to answer. What if I do something that turns not to be memorable enough ? And then the day after being made to feel special, you return to being one in many billion humans on a planet in infinite space.
Ok for number #10, I had not read Camus yet. I still enjoyed myself, even with the button up shirt, the big glasses, and struggle with the candles(“2 girlfriends”). After all, the birthday cake, a motherly baking tradition, took the shape of Donatello of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I can’t remember what else I might have wanted that year, but that cake was the one.
This is also from birthday #10, more like the afterparty of #10.
These moves did not make into the following decades. Even though this was before my drama days, I am not sure that I ever performed again with such an “I don’t quite care or am even aware of how bad this looks” attitude. It is maybe not fearless, but it looks in the moment. Present. Perhaps it was the birthday high.
If it was the birthday high, I feel I need to carry it into every day of the year. Not in expecting attention, gifts or cake (though a bit of cake everyday…), but just in being present with what I do. After all, in between birthdays is your string of moments where you dance in front of the universe.